Feeling very close to my Jesus today and just leaning into Him for all of my strength and comfort. In doing so, I noticed something tiny, but so huge today. Gabe and Millie and I were leaving J.C. Penney and I had Millie on my hip and Gabe was walking beside me as we headed for the parking lot. I reached my hand down, as mothers do, to grab Gabe's hand as he headed off the curb into the street. Usually, I'll say, "Hand please." However, this time I didn't and I happened to be watching him and he was off in his own world, not looking up at me. What I watched unfold though, has left me thinking - I instinctively reached my hand toward him - noticed that I didn't touch him or anything - he instinctively grabbed for my hand, simultaneously. We joined hands and walked toward the van. In the middle of the street, I realized how natural this was for the two of us. He knew to reach for me as I was already reaching my hand for him. This is how my heavenly Father longs for me to be in relationship with him. To know that He is always reaching his hand down to me, he's always there. But for me, to be more like my Gabe - to reach for him, instinctively. I mean, wow. I want to react that way - to everything, not just when it comes to crossing the street. Gabe knew my hand was going to be there - he reached for me. We met halfway. My God doesn't even ask me to meet him halfway - he is there, all the time, his hand never leaves me. I am going to start reaching mine up without looking, before thinking, trusting fully that what he has for me is way better than anything I could ever dream up.

Crazy Beautiful

Everybody’s been there everyone’s the same
but mostly we don’t care isn’t that a shame
We bring us down face after face
the inside is beautiful but the outside we want to change.
We want to change.
Whoa you’re oh so beautiful, you don’t need anyone’s approval
You’ve got to believe in your self you know you are
You’re crazy beautiful
Well every new year you say your gonna change
There's no need to change
We're different but the same
In the eyes of the King
We're beautifully made
In his image we're made
Whoa you’re oh so beautiful, you don’t need anyone’s approval
You’ve got to believe in your self you know you are
You’re crazy beautiful
Take a look it’s all around you
See the world from different views
The way you shine from the inside
I know with out a doubt
It’s more than what you’ll be
In the world’s eyes.
Whoa you’re oh so beautiful, you don’t need anyone’s a approval
You’ve got to believe in your self you know you are

You’re crazy beautiful

-Chasen


He loves me - just as he made me. I don't need anyone else's approval. As long as I am spending time with Him and seeking after His heart, then I need to follow Him - not what anyone else tihnks is best. With that may come disappointment or even anger, with that will come grace, if I/we are founded in Him and His love. There's no better place to be.

Galatians 4:8-11 - the message "Earlier, before you knew God personally, you were enslaved to so-called gods that had nothing of the divine about them. But now that you know the real God—or rather since God knows you—how can you possibly subject yourselves again to those paper tigers? For that is exactly what you do when you are intimidated into scrupulously observing all the traditions, taboos, and superstitions associated with special days and seasons and years. I am afraid that all my hard work among you has gone up in a puff of smoke!"

I sat with loved ones last night being explored and loved (even though in my head I couldn't see it as that) regarding my inability to see myself as loved by Him. Or maybe it's my own view of myself and my pride saying that I'm good enough to not need His love, but oh, how I want it. I long to feel the freedom of that. And I think I have, for brief moments - I've been on the edge of diving in head first. And yet, i think that no matter what, I will always find times like this where I creep back to this spot where I am.

And so this verse found me at naptime today. Found me in a slump on my chair. And I am struck by the "weak and miserable principles" I followed before I knew Him - or was known by Him. That's exactly what they were - weak because they do not have the power to overcome the guilt and power of sin, miserable because they cannot impart new life. (http://www.biblegateway.com/resources/commentaries/index.php?action=getCommentaryText&cid=7&source=1&seq=i.55.4.2)

But I have known a different way - a way of freedom and power, nothing about Him is weak and miserable. And yet, somehow I am drawn back to those ways and the twisting pains they take my heart and soul through. Why? When there is a far better way? I fear I may not know this side of Heaven.

And so, as I read on further - I will try to rest in this:
Throughout the Bible, the joy of God's people is that God knows them. "O LORD, you have searched me and you know me," the psalmist sings (Ps 139:1). Jeremiah begins his prophecy with the certain knowledge that God knows him: "The word of the LORD came to me, saying, `Before I formed you in the womb I knew you' " (Jer 1:4-5). By contrast, the worst fate of all is to be unknown by the Lord. There are no more terrible words than the words "I never knew you. Away from me!" (Mt 7:23). To be known by God is to be chosen and loved by him. Because he chose to know us as his own people, we know him as our God. This is the knowledge of personal relationship, a relationship initiated and sustained by God's grace.

To be known by God is to be chosen and loved by him. I only know Him because He chose to know me and to know me means He loves me.

He loves me.

He loves me.

He loves me.

My personal relationship with Him is one that is initiated and sustained by God's grace.
No one else has done or will do what He has done for me. I'm going to stop inching away from the edge and attempt to not turn back to the weak and miserable ways I know all too well.

Weary

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

Another sleepless night of being a mom brought me to this verse this morning. I set my alarm for group, just in case the night had gone well. When it went off, I was so out of it, I decided to stay in bed. Why am I so guilt-ridden when I do something like that. Gabe had only been up once and I went to him and slept in his bed for an hour. Millie was up a few times just stirring, so I went to Em's bed and slept there for 3 hours so I wouldn't have to keep doing the stairs. Fed Millie and back to my bed. One night's sleep in 3 different beds is starting to wear on me. But there I lay, anyway, at 5:08, with my cell phone alarm going off and I feel like a total slacker for missing group. Anyway, decided to get up with the screeching Millie - she'll go back to sleep if I put her in my bed - at 6:30 and see if I could find some encouragement in scripture this morning. In sharing our gauges last night at small group, I shared how all of mine are empty and still draining, but that I knew if I could give my spiritual gauge just a little fuel, the rest would take an upswing. So, I decided to act on it. I knew I wouldn't have much time before that dreaded high school bus came by at 6:55 and woke my babies up (they slept through it so far.) so I jumped to the New Testament and found this verse waiting for me in Matthew.

I don't know if you're supposed to apply every Bible verse to yourself for your own personal comfort - I'm sure that's extremely self-absorbed, but this sure was nice to read this morning. I feel weary, I feel burdened, I want rest for my soul! I read the footnote and it had a great illustration of how a yoke is still meant for hard labor and in this verse, Jesus isn't promising a life of luxurious ease, but what he is promising is a Partner for the yoke. I don't feel as though I've kept God out of this funk that I'm in, but I think maybe I've expected Him to make it all better, just like that. I like this better - I will still work at it, but He will be right alongside me. Because, in reality, I don't have a decrease in work load coming anytime soon.

And there it is, a little fuel for my spiritual tank.

I love the way Gabe has his arm wrapped around his baby sister in this picture, like he's holding her with me. There is no greater feeling than to hold my babies in my arms and feel the love in me growing. Lately I've been seeing myself in Emma - in the little things she does. I don't always like it. I'm afraid she's not always picking up my good habits - not sure if I really have any of those these days. It's a difficult thing to see yourself and your inadequacies reproduced - in, of all people, someone you love so dearly and wish for no hurt or harm to ever happen upon. Yet, I can't stop it - just like Gabe won't be able to protect Millie from things as he is trying to here. They are going to hurt and be hurt and it scares me to pieces. I want to cry thinking about having to put two little girls through middle school. To think of Gabe having to be tough and face "guy" situations all on his own. What kind of mom would I be though, if I didn't let them have their own stuff. A selfish one. I am that anyway. I just pray that they will be so secure in the love of their Heavenly Father, so grounded in Him that the day-to-day hurts are nothing but just that.

In other corners of my brain and heart there lives this lingering feeling of something I just can't put my finger on. It's almost as if I've stuffed the person God created so far down in all my self-protection and self-seeking desires that I can't resurrect her. I'm continually haunted with the little girl I was, a little girl who was going to be an astronaut or something. I fought and fought against the norm and would argue my points and passions with whoever until I was blue in the face. I find that lately, I can sometimes barely even squeeze words out of my mouth without fumbling them up. I blame it on 4 pregnancies - lost brain cells, to be funny. But, honestly, sometimes, I think that little girl was so beat down and embarrassed over and over again for standing for what she believed in - for being made fun of for her silly inspirational phrases like "real winners rise after falling." I think those things happened so much that I don't want to let that creature - that woman that God created with His own two hands and loved - that I don't want to let her back out for fear I'll feel the same things all over again. I never really knew it was bothering me that much or that I had molded and shaped myself to society so vehemently, but I have and I hate it and I'm afraid that my daughters will think they have to do the same thing. No, I want them to live in a freedom I never knew and I guess I still don't. To live in a freedom that is Christ.

not much

I haven't been thinking deep much lately. It's kind of by choice, but I'd rather say it's by way of no sleep. I figure if I don't think too deep I won't start a tailspin like I was in last week. Lots of crying and complaining to those close to me. Makes me feel weak, I don't like it - or do I? In my weakness I don't often feel His strength. Too many years of being strong enough myself. It's the culture I grew up in, to be strong - not weak. Anymore, though, I feel over it. I wish I could act like it.

Living in a KID-focused world.

So, a few nights ago I had this big long entry here and then it just disappeared. I've been trying to regain the motivation to type it all out again.

I got to have some much needed time with a good friend and my first glass of wine in over a year and it was one of those nights where we talked about everything you can imagine. We covered our kids, our husbands, the election, sports (we're unique girls!). One topic that has stuck with me though was our discussion of what a kid-centric world we live in nowadays. Being the mom that I am, I like to think I don't fall victim to all society has done to convince us that our kids need everything. Things like snacks formulated just for kids, toilet wipes just for potty-trained kids, even their own soap. I doubt my mom and dad ever bought me a Kool-Aid single to put in my own water bottle! So, yeah, we're talking about how silly it's all gotten really and then I remember me, just the day before, driving to Wal-Mart, while listening to Radio Disney, of course, lugging G and M through the store and stopping to look at a car seat for $40! $40! The car seat we bought 5 years ago when E needed it was $160 and we had done our research - it was the safest one out there. Well, it's not going to make it through one more kiddo, so M is going to need one when she's out of the infant carrier. I talk myself out of the one at Wal-Mart, because surely, it's not good enough or safe enough or something like that. Hello? Did I ever sit in a car seat a day of my childhood? I know car seats are much safer, I just think it's funny the transition society has made. And apparently, taken me along for the ride.

I've received nuggets of good advice in my lifetime. One, particularly, came from my mom close to my wedding day. She told me to always remember to keep my relationship with God #1 in my life, the relationship with my husband #2 and my kids, if I were ever to have any, #3. I pretty much thought she was crazy. Gradually, however, I've come around and find myself giving the same advice to many around me. God doesn't desire for me to live as a mom in this world, with my life revolving around my kids. He desires for me to live my life revolving around Him and promises that if I do that, I will be providing for my kids out of His love. Or better yet, He'll be the One to provide for His kids - the ones He just happened to loan me for this lifetime. I like that way better. Most of the time.