Living in a KID-focused world.

So, a few nights ago I had this big long entry here and then it just disappeared. I've been trying to regain the motivation to type it all out again.

I got to have some much needed time with a good friend and my first glass of wine in over a year and it was one of those nights where we talked about everything you can imagine. We covered our kids, our husbands, the election, sports (we're unique girls!). One topic that has stuck with me though was our discussion of what a kid-centric world we live in nowadays. Being the mom that I am, I like to think I don't fall victim to all society has done to convince us that our kids need everything. Things like snacks formulated just for kids, toilet wipes just for potty-trained kids, even their own soap. I doubt my mom and dad ever bought me a Kool-Aid single to put in my own water bottle! So, yeah, we're talking about how silly it's all gotten really and then I remember me, just the day before, driving to Wal-Mart, while listening to Radio Disney, of course, lugging G and M through the store and stopping to look at a car seat for $40! $40! The car seat we bought 5 years ago when E needed it was $160 and we had done our research - it was the safest one out there. Well, it's not going to make it through one more kiddo, so M is going to need one when she's out of the infant carrier. I talk myself out of the one at Wal-Mart, because surely, it's not good enough or safe enough or something like that. Hello? Did I ever sit in a car seat a day of my childhood? I know car seats are much safer, I just think it's funny the transition society has made. And apparently, taken me along for the ride.

I've received nuggets of good advice in my lifetime. One, particularly, came from my mom close to my wedding day. She told me to always remember to keep my relationship with God #1 in my life, the relationship with my husband #2 and my kids, if I were ever to have any, #3. I pretty much thought she was crazy. Gradually, however, I've come around and find myself giving the same advice to many around me. God doesn't desire for me to live as a mom in this world, with my life revolving around my kids. He desires for me to live my life revolving around Him and promises that if I do that, I will be providing for my kids out of His love. Or better yet, He'll be the One to provide for His kids - the ones He just happened to loan me for this lifetime. I like that way better. Most of the time.

o-ver-whelmed, clap, clap, clap clap clap

i failed...it seems that's what i've been doing a lot lately with the big kids. i allow myself to lose control far too often with them. lose control of situations and myself.

i had free hands for a short while tonight and didn't get near enough done to catch us up. there's laundry running - no longer on floors, but i'm sure that's right where it will be tomorrow - even though it will be clean.

i have no idea how to find the time to do all that needs done around the house and engage those who live here - let alone those outside of these walls - both people and tasks.

so, that's where my overwhelmedness comes from. i hate complaining, i hate it. i feel like a spoiled little baby in this world - good things have come to me and i can't handle it. i don't have kids with cancer or any other major life-altering circumstances. i don't know how to voice my struggles without sounding like a spoiled brat. i don't know how to just be overwhelmed and not put expectations on that feeling.

i'd like to find time for GOD in the midst of this season. then i wouldn't stress so much about the relationships and maybe the tasks wouldn't feel like they were so taxing. i'm praying more - i'm reading some. mostly i just function. i long to do more than function. i long to love, to serve, to fully live life.

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12b-13

God, give me the strength to be content in what you have for me right now. Not for what I long for or what you have for me in the future - let me live, truly live, in the present.

A goal for tomorrow...

I watched the kids have a rough time going to bed tonight and am realizing it was one of those nights when they got little attention. My goal for tomorrow is to stay off of here and engage them in conversation, play, whatever. I had my day today and now I want to love on them. Maybe if I write it, I'll actually do it.

Dependence

My Millie Hope was just crying in the swing - the second I picked her up and put her to my chest, she stopped. I worry alot that she's going to become too dependent on me - going to need me to be the one to soothe her all the time (I did with the other two, too). Selfishly, if I'm the one she wants - that doesn't let me ever be without her. I wonder if she'll ever sleep in her own bed. She will, the others did. And then one day, they'll all want to be completely independent of me. What will I have to worry about then, huh?

Isn't it what I do as a child of the Father? I strive to be independent of Him - to make things work my way. To control my life in my own manner. The difference, though, is that I don't see Him desiring me to do things on my own - to not need Him. He doesn't have that selfish pull to need time away from me. Rather, He desires time with me, isn't that it? How can I, one who is so selfish and finds myself looking forward to having empty arms at least once during the day so that I can do something/anything for myself - how can I understand the love of a Father who desires my interaction all day every day? One who desires to hold me to His chest and listen to the sounds I make, He longs for the sounds I make to be directed to Him, for me to praise Him and talk to Him, rather than pretend like He's not there.



How comforted Millie must feel when my arms pick her up. It's the comfort of one who loves her so, with all of the shortcomings and limitations my human love can offer her. Why, then, is it so hard for me to allow myself to be swept up in the arms of one who can offer me comfort and love beyond reason, no limitations - no shortcomings. Just perfect love. And far too often, I choose to leave Him with empty arms. For what? To better take care of myself? Yeah, that's like asking Millie to change her own diaper...

A return...this time to me.

So, this is my second attempt at the blogging thing. The first time around was more to update anyone on my kids. I've long desired to begin one like this - for my thoughts and my...well, just my stuff...my creative stuff. I'm scared and hopeful...I'm leaning into the future.