So, here's the deal with me and crocheting. I know how to crochet - basic stitch and all of that. My grandma taught me long ago. I love that memory. But, I've never done much more with it and feel like it's one of those things I love to pull out and get into over time. It's crazy what you can find on the internet, there are lots of videos and tutorials out there, so I just look at those and figure I can figure out how to do more difficult stitches. I never ask anyone or take a class - that's all too much work or too scary. So, I tackle it on my own and really enjoy it, but usually have to figure out how to make the stitch work for me as I have a hard time following along in the videos sometime and have no clue how to read written crochet instructions.
About a year ago, I started making an afghan for my mom - she showed me this yarn she really loved at the store and I thought I'd make it for her for Christmas. So, I searched for an afghan stitch pattern that I could master and ended up putting these two together - not knowing if it would even work. I've never understood when it says to use a gauge and count your stitches and all of that, I just kind of wing it. Last night, I sat in my chair and tried to decide if I was going to go downstairs and face my small group or not and that blanket kept drawing my attention from my crochet basket beside my chair. It's about 1/3 of the way done and I've been avoiding going back to it because I really don't like the way it looks - I think the holes are too big and it's just not doing the yarn justice - this yarn is some of the most beautiful yarn I've ever used - it was more expensive and way harder to work with as it's got a twisty texture to it.
Anyway, I was sitting there looking at it and had the weirdest urge to unravel it. Just unravel it. I told myself no, that was ridiculous - I could just cut off the part I'd already crocheted and throw it away and start new. Besides, the yarn wouldn't be any good anymore after being held together for just under a year in a weird looking afghan. Unravel it. No, that would be a ton of work - there's no way I could sit here and do that. Unravel it, unravel it, unravel it. So, I picked it up and began unraveling it. Emma came in and helped. She asked why I was doing it. I told her I didn't really know, it just needed unraveled.
I unraveled the yarn from the afghan, it didn't take much - just a little tug and hours of work were undone and being wrapped onto the attached skein. It went like this for awhile. I thought about the night I had just had - it was a bad night, a bad, bad night. I had been short with everyone and unloving and bitchy and closed off and difficult to talk to. I had unraveled further in front of people other than my totally loving and understanding husband than I ever had before in my life. It felt that the night was beyond irreparable. That I had damaged our relationships, that no one would want to talk about my stuff ever again. I kept unraveling and would hit a few snags, nothing that a little harder tug wouldn't fix. But then I hit a big snag.
As I looked at the snag and pulled and pulled to see if it would come apart, I realized that it was one of those spots where I had made up my own stitch or done the stitch incorrectly and been too lazy to fix it. So I worked on it for a good 10 minutes and then had to take the scissors and cut it out. I kept unraveling and began rolling the excess yarn into a new ball - however I kept hitting more snags, or sometimes the yarn would just break in half in my hands. This unraveling process took me about 2 hours. I started to worry about what I would feel like when it was all done - would I be frustrated that that much work was wasted? Would I be relieved?
As that thought took over, I started getting a little crazy with my unraveling, trying to unravel a whole row before rolling it up onto the skein, seeing just how fast I could get my fingers going. Once I stopped and got to rolling the yarn back onto the ball I ran into a huge snag - in the extra excess yarn from my unraveling sprint session. Even in the unraveling, I took over and made it about me.
Eventually, I finished. The yarn, by the way, held up beautifully - not messed up at all. And now I have 6 balls of it - and I am really excited. To learn to make something beautiful, to use this yarn how it's meant to be used. I am that yarn, I continually crochet my own patterns and make up my own stitches and run into snags and the only way that I'm ever going to work is if I just let Him be the one holding the needle. Let Him shape me into what works best for the yarn. Let Him pick the best pattern. When I hit snags, I know I still will this side of heaven, only His scissors will cut me loose from the damage I do to myself. He is the only one who can undo those knots, I know - I've tried.
I long for this unraveling to be a memorial stone in my life. I kept the pile of snags and I plan on making so many beautiful things out of that leftover yarn. I am so grateful to Him for the time He took to teach me that the only way to beauty is to unravel the mess I've already made, to pull and tug at every knot and then look to Him for help when I can't get it. The yarn He made - me - is beautiful and He longs for me to know that and to stop trying to shape it into some other form. So, until I can get that, I will just remain what I am...unraveled.
About a year ago, I started making an afghan for my mom - she showed me this yarn she really loved at the store and I thought I'd make it for her for Christmas. So, I searched for an afghan stitch pattern that I could master and ended up putting these two together - not knowing if it would even work. I've never understood when it says to use a gauge and count your stitches and all of that, I just kind of wing it. Last night, I sat in my chair and tried to decide if I was going to go downstairs and face my small group or not and that blanket kept drawing my attention from my crochet basket beside my chair. It's about 1/3 of the way done and I've been avoiding going back to it because I really don't like the way it looks - I think the holes are too big and it's just not doing the yarn justice - this yarn is some of the most beautiful yarn I've ever used - it was more expensive and way harder to work with as it's got a twisty texture to it.
Anyway, I was sitting there looking at it and had the weirdest urge to unravel it. Just unravel it. I told myself no, that was ridiculous - I could just cut off the part I'd already crocheted and throw it away and start new. Besides, the yarn wouldn't be any good anymore after being held together for just under a year in a weird looking afghan. Unravel it. No, that would be a ton of work - there's no way I could sit here and do that. Unravel it, unravel it, unravel it. So, I picked it up and began unraveling it. Emma came in and helped. She asked why I was doing it. I told her I didn't really know, it just needed unraveled.
I unraveled the yarn from the afghan, it didn't take much - just a little tug and hours of work were undone and being wrapped onto the attached skein. It went like this for awhile. I thought about the night I had just had - it was a bad night, a bad, bad night. I had been short with everyone and unloving and bitchy and closed off and difficult to talk to. I had unraveled further in front of people other than my totally loving and understanding husband than I ever had before in my life. It felt that the night was beyond irreparable. That I had damaged our relationships, that no one would want to talk about my stuff ever again. I kept unraveling and would hit a few snags, nothing that a little harder tug wouldn't fix. But then I hit a big snag.
As I looked at the snag and pulled and pulled to see if it would come apart, I realized that it was one of those spots where I had made up my own stitch or done the stitch incorrectly and been too lazy to fix it. So I worked on it for a good 10 minutes and then had to take the scissors and cut it out. I kept unraveling and began rolling the excess yarn into a new ball - however I kept hitting more snags, or sometimes the yarn would just break in half in my hands. This unraveling process took me about 2 hours. I started to worry about what I would feel like when it was all done - would I be frustrated that that much work was wasted? Would I be relieved?
As that thought took over, I started getting a little crazy with my unraveling, trying to unravel a whole row before rolling it up onto the skein, seeing just how fast I could get my fingers going. Once I stopped and got to rolling the yarn back onto the ball I ran into a huge snag - in the extra excess yarn from my unraveling sprint session. Even in the unraveling, I took over and made it about me.
Eventually, I finished. The yarn, by the way, held up beautifully - not messed up at all. And now I have 6 balls of it - and I am really excited. To learn to make something beautiful, to use this yarn how it's meant to be used. I am that yarn, I continually crochet my own patterns and make up my own stitches and run into snags and the only way that I'm ever going to work is if I just let Him be the one holding the needle. Let Him shape me into what works best for the yarn. Let Him pick the best pattern. When I hit snags, I know I still will this side of heaven, only His scissors will cut me loose from the damage I do to myself. He is the only one who can undo those knots, I know - I've tried.
I long for this unraveling to be a memorial stone in my life. I kept the pile of snags and I plan on making so many beautiful things out of that leftover yarn. I am so grateful to Him for the time He took to teach me that the only way to beauty is to unravel the mess I've already made, to pull and tug at every knot and then look to Him for help when I can't get it. The yarn He made - me - is beautiful and He longs for me to know that and to stop trying to shape it into some other form. So, until I can get that, I will just remain what I am...unraveled.
